***This is raw content. Please forgive any grammatical errors. I write from my heart – let it flow – and pray it heals souls that read it.***
Mia, what in the world do you mean “Manage myself?”
Ok, Sis, I know this is a bit of a different way to communicate with you in regards to the circumstance. But, hear me out.
You’ve come to. You’ve realized, this is not where I’m meant to be. God means for a marriage to be like it says in this Word, “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it (Ephesians 5:28-29).” Sis, you are meant to be cherished, love. You are! And, you will be. Knowing that that chapter of your life is unfolding, manage your emotions, your pride, and your integrity well for these next phases of the transition.
If you are a woman that was like me and didn’t have much to her own name, because the abuser insisted your whole married life be “in his name”…not joint – just his name – then you will need to tuck away your pride, and be ready to ask some hard questions to people and organizations that can help.
I have a workshop that goes over this more in-depth, but what you need to do is write a list of any resource you can find in your zip code that helps women and children in need. You are going to call every shelter in your zip code, find out what has to happen for you to get there in safety, and how do they help once you’re there? Find out resources for your children, especially if you have children with special needs…ORGANIZE THIS NOW. Get your children’s school enrollment information in order (i.e. enrollment paperwork from school, vaccination records, hospitalization records, medication records, birth certificates, SSN cards, all the things you’ll need to verify you/your identity, and that these babies are your babies). Take great care to keep these items in a safe place – preferably in a fire/waterproof folder or case.
Now with your resources, be sure to add to your list to research:
job placement organizations (i.e. local workforce commission, etc.)
rent/mortgage assistance (i.e. churches, government housing, deferred payment plans for your mortgage)
transportation (take your family car as the 1st preference) (scope out walking, bus, rideshare routes for you and your kids if needed)
allocate a savings – start working (part-time/full-time – whatever you can to start building up your own money)
If your abuser becomes suspicious of your working, then start part-time, away from the house, or find a very flexible, remote, full-time role. The latter will allow you to be home more, but away some to run errands to get other things in alignment for your escape. But, you being home won’t seem like such a shock for the type of abuser who is very money-time-whereabouts controlling.
This post is to get you thinking beyond your self-awareness realization. Now, that we know we’re meant for better, It-Is-Time-To-Go-Sis! So, let’s manage our necessities so we can start gathering resources to get us closer to the life, love, and marriage that God has for us.
***Only use these tips to help a true domestic violence victim get to safety and justice. Anyone misusing these tips to wrongly prosecute someone should immediately stop use of this site.***
I know you think, who the heck am I to get up, pack myself and these kids up, and leave the mean wrath of a man 3x’s as strong as me? He’ll hurt me!
I know Sis, and I feel your pain. Believe me, I do. It was a hot night in July when my former abuser slammed me against a parked car, shoved his forearm in my neck, with his bloodshot eyes bulging from his face, staring me down as if to say “Try me, and see if I don’t strangle your ass.”
My friend, I was pregnant with my 3rd child when all of this happened. MY CHILD’S FATHER decided to strangle me.
THAT ALONE is what I keep at the forefront of my mind any time I hear my sweet 3yo daughter call out “Daaaadddy” and he’s not here for her at that moment. It got me down one time – 1 time – only OnCe. You know why? Because I vividly remember, not leaving that night he strangled me. I didn’t know where to go, what to do. He could have killed us both.
Yet, I went inside that house that night, and prayed, and started feeling like, ‘I have GOT TO LEAVE THIS.’ That night would have been a perfect time to leave actually as my 2 oldest children were out of town at my parents’ home. So, I could have packed up pregnant me and driven to my parents, but I didn’t.
Why?
Why didn’t I drive there?
Why did I keep staying for 3 years after that, THAT THAT WASN’T THE FIRST INCIDENT? Why?
Why do you stay?
Do we stay because ‘it’ll be too hard to leave?’ ‘How do I start over?’ ‘How will I manage the kids all by myself?’ ‘Won’t he hurt us worse if we leave?’
Here’s my answers to each of those now that I didn’t have that night:
1. Is it easy to stay?
2. One step-at-a-time. I’m here to help with that.
3. Delicately share your story with people you discern you can trust – help will find you. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
4. Immediately file all abuse to get it on record, and get a protective order. Police stations have female officers that are more than willing to help guide you in the right direction for these things. We’ll dive into other resources too.
I’ve had an interesting journey to get here today to even be able to share my journey with you. I’ve had secular counseling and I’ve had counseling in a church to deal with trauma from molestation, verbal abuse, rape, and sexual assault.
The ironic part is, I got ALL OF THAT RESOLVED before getting married, only to marry a narcissist. Insert forehead slap here.
Well…let’s go back and dive a bit into what happened with me.
I grew up in a household where my parents provided me a life better than what they had growing up. The things that squashed my growth was being called names, being belittled, and being made to feel like something was wrong with me. You know what, this affected me so that I told a girlfriend ‘I just want to get to the bus station and leave…can you take me?’ She declined – then asked ‘Where would you go?’ I didn’t know then, and can only guess a handful of places today.
That was 3 decades ago. I lived with a kind, patient, father and a hollering, yelling, screaming, short-tempered mother. It was a challenge to deal with her because she wasn’t always those things. There were times she’d give her last bit of food or bed linens to the needy. Or she’d take me shopping for new outfits; enrolled me into classical dance and theater; exposed me to people/places/and events that most young Black kids in the south wouldn’t have been privy to.
But, boy, when that wrath came out, it left a LASTING impression…unfortunately.
Fast forward, in the present day of 2023, not much has changed except for her alcohol consumption has worsened. These leads to LOTS of unnecessary phone text conversations that I’ve grown today to simply ignore. I’m not getting into all of that arguing back and forth via text message – in person – or otherwise.
I’ve made it my mission to be the adult 42yo when the adult 77yo chooses to still lash out.
It-is-exhausting.
We’ll dive deeper into some of those other traumatic events in upcoming posts.
Have you ever dealt with a family member that consistently drains your ever-living-energy?
