When is it Time to Dissolve a Marriage?
I write this blog website to encourage women with children to leave domestically violent marriages, regain their confidence, and rebuild their lives with the love and respect they deserve. Often times, leaving that marriage ends in divorce, as is my journey.
Today’s blog post is from a man’s perspective, namely Israel Houghton’s perspective, who divorced one marriage and has discovered a newfound love within a new marriage. Israel is an esteemed Gospel Artist. Not only was he – and still is – a husband, he is a father. He speaks about it all on the WillieMooreJrLive Podcast (found here). There is no mention of domestic violence in his story, but I respect and value his opinion and perspective as it’s about divorce, from a man’s point of view.
As women, it’s important for us to know and understand what men feel, what they’re thinking, and how to navigate that in our lives as women. So, as you read this, read it and apply its nuggets to your life accordingly – hopefully to help you make an informed decision about your life and circumstances.
Yeah, I remember saying to Mariah, I cannot guarantee that I’ll always be your mother’s husband, but I can always guarantee that I’m going to be your father. I’ve met so many mentally ill senior pastors, bro. There’s so much trauma there, people staying together just for what people think. Even in all of the upheaval in my life, man, man, I could cry saying this; He still let me hear His voice. Shocked me and I just still knew when he said peace; I was like, I’m thinking of marrying this lady.
Here we are seven years later in our relationship, and that’s the energy we’re still on. ~Israel Houghton
From a father’s perspective, Israel states that “It was important to me to be able to look at my kids in the eyes and say we did everything we could.” He and his ex-wife went to counseling to see if they could take away tools to help them salvage their marriage – or to peacefully part.
Did you catch that – peacefully – part. If you’re a woman who’s dealt with an abuser, you know that peace is not always a part of the journey with them – if at all. So, be encouraged that there are men who do seek peace in their relationships. Israel goes on to say that it’s important to attend counseling/therapy as upkeep in a marriage.
Although Israel was married almost 20years in his first marriage, he mentions that 5 of those years were in a state of separation. AND, he says, he knew very early on that it was time for him and his ex-wife to dissolve their marriage. But…they didn’t.
Ladies, at what point did you know that it was time to leave that abusive situation? How long have you stayed in an unhappy situation? And, ladies…
…how long have you stayed in an unsafe situation and you know you deserve safety – a better life- a better mate?
Although, very early on, Israel knew his first marriage was over, he says “And so the self preservation and the coward in me said keep the optics going and maybe this will figure itself out over time…”
At some point, you have to prioritize your mental health, especially in abusive situations and find a way to progress through life better. Israel goes on to state “And then one day you just got to have that honest conversation that goes we didn’t deposit this right. We didn’t steward this right. We didn’t deal with the things we had to deal with. And then when we did go to deal with some of the things, it always depends on how bad do you want help?”
And what are you willing to do to get that help?
~Israel Houghton
“But to be able to say it takes two to work this thing out – and for the other party to kind of go, yeah, I’m not really interested in doing that. At some point you just go, all right man, we’re going to have to pivot here,” Israel states.
The interviewer goes on to ask Israel how he presented this new family dynamic narrative to his children. And that’s when Israel says something that honors his children. He says “…I can always guarantee that I’m going to be your father, and so let’s put the emphasis on that in our relationship.”
Israel comments that the entire process was painful.
Ladies, I need you to know that the process to leave will be trial-filled. But, staying will be physically, emotionally, and mentally pain-staking. For the sake of your sanity and the ability to live a life of abundance in love, and abundance in all things God promised us – find a way to leave and retain your sanity.
The interviewer, @WillieMooreJrLive, goes on to say how “…having such a public persona in the Christian world that can be extremely unforgiving…Because our community is extremely unforgiving when we choose to make a decision that’s really best for ourselves as it pertains to marriage and relationships.”
Israel replies with statements that after a while, you reach a point in life that what other people think weighs so little. You begin to reflect ‘will these judgmental people be with me 10 yrs from now…will they hold me down when I need a shoulder to cry on [essentially]?’
Ladies, I need you to hear this, “The answer to those questions is “Likely not.” When you are going through a valley, because I’m climbing out of one right now and can speak to this firsthand, people vanish. Your tribe will find you and stick with you. There’s so much more to unpack in this interview. So go watch it and gather more nuggets from these two men’s perspectives. But, to WillieMooreJrLive’s point, the Christian community is not who you want to seek validation or redemption from. They are compromised of a bunch of humans. Seek your salvation and redemption from God. Just Him.
Find time to pray. Find time to read God’s Word. Find time to Google stuff you don’t understand in God’s Word and ingest it from reputable sources; I do it all of the time. If something isn’t quite making sense – look it up. AND, ask God – just talk to him in conversation – “God, make this make sense for me? I want to know your will and your way. Help me.”
You’ll make it through this storm. We can make it together. God has promised you a life with no pain; no degradation with physical, mental, verbal, or emotional abuse. Seek it with me as I continue on this journey of rebuilding to thrive after domestic abuse.
Until next time. Hugs!